Dealing with Difficult People

My "difficult" but much-loved Dad, Clyde Rolen.

One beautiful summer evening my friend, Gail, and I sat on a beach in Destin, Florida and shared a bottle of wine. After just one glass we decided to share with each other our most positive and negative character traits. This could ruin most friendships, but not ours. That was at least 10 years ago and we're still great friends. What I learned that evening was something my husband had been trying to tell me for many years. I have to always be right. No, that's not really it-I AM always right! If you really know me, then you know I'm being completely honest here. I really do have a problem and I am always working on it. But, if the truth be told, I really am working on not letting you know that I think I'm always right. I'm not making any headway on the belief that I might actually someday be wrong.

So, now that you know, you also know I can be a "difficult" person. Because I know that about myself, I feel very qualified to write about how to deal with people who are similar in personality. Although most "difficult" people always think they are right, that's not what makes them "difficult". You may add more characteristics to the description of difficult people, but here is my list.

1. They always have a patronizing tone in their voice and they are loud.
2. Or they have whiney voices and are passive aggressive.
3. Their body language is frightening: shoulders back, arms crossed, eyebrows scrunched, they get too close, and sometimes put their finger in your face.
4. They won't let anyone else speak.
5. If they do allow you to speak or ask for your advice, they never listen and might start texting.
6. They usually keep others waiting.
7. They rarely smile and never laugh.
8. They answer their phone while in the middle of a conversation with others.
9. They are always looking for and expecting the worst.
10. They complain constantly about the stupid liberal democrats or the biased idiotic republicans.
11. They think all children are rude and shouldn't be allowed in public.
12. They tailgate and cut others off in traffic.
13. And they get worse when they drink!

Well, that just about covers my list. I'll bet we could go on and on and make it 100 or more. But the subject is how to deal with these people. Research shows that spending time with pleasant, good-natured people is good for our mental and physical health. However, spending a lot of time with the opposite (see 1-13 above) can actually do harm to you physically and mentally. But what do you do if the person in question is a family member, co-worker, or someone you otherwise can't easily eliminate from your life? It could be your spouse, your boss, your parent, your neighbor, your co-worker, your accountant, your client, or heaven forbid, your friend. I don't care who you are, you are probably having to deal with one of them right now. Or, maybe you just divorced one or fired one. It might have been better to have found a way to handle this before the divorce or before firing your most talented employee.

And, oh yes, they can be very smart, talented, and even caring people. I have always wanted to grab them by the shoulders and give them a good shake and say, "what the hell is wrong with you," or "do you know life can be joyful," or "get a grip, everybody has problems," or "why do they continue to pay you to work here," or my favorite, "if you ever call me again I will get a restraining order." To be honest, I can only remember one time in my life that I have ever done something like that. A friend asked me to work with one of his new employees and I could tell immediately that he was not a pleasant person to be around (see items 1-7 above). Actually, we hadn't even pulled out of the parking lot to look at the first house when I pulled back in and said, "Get out of my car." He said, "What?" and I said, "Get out of my car NOW." He got out of the car and I never saw him again.

So, you are thinking right about now that you shouldn't be listening to my advice on how to deal with difficult people because I'll just tell you to get rid of them. But, please keep in mind, that is the only time I can ever remember handling a difficult person so rudely. You don't even want to ask what he said to me that created that reaction. His comment had something to do with likening my occupation to prostitution. Sorry, but I just couldn't drive down the road with someone in my car calling me a prostitute for trying to help him find the home of his dreams.

So how should we handle these people and why do I think I'm qualified to give you this advice? My ability to deal with difficult people was developed over many years and my training started at home as a child and then followed me to my first job. Extremely negative people can make your life miserable and you have to learn how to stay on their good side. If you have read Sh*t my Dad Says by Justin Halpern, then you have met my father and understand and truly believe that I can do this beacause I had to in order to survive. I'm going to buy copies for my siblings and mail it to them for Christmas this year. I grew up thinking that we were the only kids in the world who had a Dad who talked like that. On his deathbed he said, "You big baby, quit the f*cking crying...it's not you who's dying!" So, I quit crying, told him he was an asshole and we had a good laugh, I gave him a big hug and he died the next day. Those were literally our last words to one another. With that understanding of my background in dealing with difficult people, here is my list of suggestions:

1. Never let them know that you are weak or in any way afraid or intimidated.
2. Be quiet and let them rant and rave all they want.
3. Only give your advice or counsel when they ask for it and if they interrupt, stop immediately and do not ever continue the conversation - unless they begin to be very, very nice.
4. Do not ever try to argue with them - it isn't worth it and you will never win.
5. You be the grown up.
6. If they are truly abusive, fire or divorce them.
7. If they are not abusive, stick around because they need your help more than anyone else.
8. If you can win their respect, you will never have a stronger ally.
9. Make it a challenge to yourself to never become difficult or negative yourself.
10. Remember what Kenny Rogers says, "You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run."

There have been a good number of books written and classes taught to help us learn how to deal with these difficult people who are everywhere. Most of them have been written by professional psychiatrists or psychologists. There is a great website http://www.dealingwithdifficultpeople.org/. They sell books, CDs, webinars and will email you one free tip a week. The last tip I received was, "Words are dangerous. Words hurt. Words can leave scars. So be very careful what you say when dealing with a difficult person. Remind yourself to breathe and it will give you time to bite your tongue."

I learned a technique when I was a teenager that I have never read in any of the materials about dealing with difficult people. I was sitting in the dentist's office and picked up one of those old, small, kind of smelly Readers' Digests. They used to have a section where people could send in funny but heartwarming stories and I think it was called "Funny Stuff" but it has been over 40 years. Whatever section it was in, I have never forgotten the story I read that day. I learned that I can really help many situations by telling a little white lie at the appropriate time and place.

So, here is my summary of that story. Recently Marybeth had a new neighbor move in next door and went over to say hello and welcome her to the neighborhood. The woman was pleasant and told Marybeth that everyone had been so welcoming and nice except for that nasty pharmacist at the local drugstore. He was always so rude, she said, and never smiled or had a kind word for her. Marybeth expressed how sorry she was that the neighbor had to endure such behavior. A week or two passed and Marybeth ran into the neighbor again. The neighbor made a point to thank Marybeth for the talk she must have had with the pharmacist. The neighbor said, "Wow, you must have really told him off good." He had been a different person. He went out of his way to be friendly and helpful and even gave her child a lollipop the last time they were in the store.

Marybeth didn't say anything except that she was glad it worked out and that the neighbor and pharmacist were getting along better. What Marybeth never shared with the neighbor was the conversation that she had with the pharmacist. Upon her first visit to the pharmacy after meeting the new neighbor, Marybeth made a point to express how pleased she was to hear new families who had moved into the neighborhood talking about him so glowingly. And she told him how especially pleased her new next door neighbor had been with his professional attitude, friendliness and helpfulness.

Just try that out sometime on a difficult person and see how it works for you--even if it is a little white lie. You know it could be that their negative attitude has been created over many years of never hearing anything positive from anyone.