Don't Make Resolutions, Make Promises!

Like my friend, Jeanie Shufelt, I’ve just about given up on making New Year’s Resolutions. As she says “that usually doesn’t work for me.” Not reaching our goals is a problem for most people. Year after year, I promise myself to lose 20 pounds, and many years I have lost that and more. However, my resolve weakens and I return to my old habits only to gain it back. In the 1960s my friends teased me as every New Year's Eve I told them I wasn’t going to smoke anymore. Finally, one January I made that promise and was able to keep it. As we age, many of us have the same New Year’s Resolution – Get Fit! If you read my blog post “My Love/Hate Relationship with Hershey”, then you know I will never give up on this one. So, should we just forget about it or is there some way to improve our ability to reach our goals. Seems reasonable that we should be smart enough to get better and better every year, and accomplish more every day than the day before.

Roy Baumeister and John Tierney, the authors of Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength have studied this topic extensively. I had no idea how much research has been done over the years on willpower and goalsetting. The studies show that a few people are simply better at avoiding temptations than the rest of us. How do they do it?

• They arrange their lives in order to accomplish more.
• They use their self- control not to get through crises but to avoid them.
• They arrange their day so they have time to accomplish their goals.
• They take the car to the shop before it breaks down.
• They stay away from all you can eat buffets.
• They pay cash instead of using a credit card
• They wait a few days to reconsider making large purchases
• They play offense instead of defense.

I recently read that only 12 percent of people who make New Year's Resolutions actually keep their resolutions, and only half of that 12 percent expected to be successful in reaching those goals. There are so few of us who seem capable of living the kind of life we wish we could live. I think this means we don't have faith in ourselves.

Americans admitted in another survey that they waste 2 hours at work every day. These individuals have someone they report to who should be aware they are wasting time. So, how is there to be any hope for the self-employed, independent contractors, and small business owners. Somehow most of us have begun to think it is ok to procrastinate. I have actually said these words out loud with other people listening – “I work much better under pressure so what’s wrong with procrastinating”. If you know me, you know what stress looks like. Years of trying to learn time management techniques and taking anxiety medications have taught me that procrastination is an evil word.

Here is what I think would help us reach our goals:

1. Call it a “promise” not a “resolution”. (Great tip from Joe Stumpf)
2. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If I didn’t have Erich Hershey, my trainer, I would weigh 200 lbs. still. But you don't have to hire someone -- ask a friend who wants the same.
3. Don’t “stop” doing anything. “Start” doing something. That doesn’t mean eat more when you quit smoking or shop more when you go on a diet.
4. Make your promises small and specific. I don't spend enough time with my friends because I work too much – I promise to have coffee at Starbucks at least once a week with a friend.
5. Make your promises easier to accomplish. I’m going to arrange my schedule to exercise at 8 am Monday, Wednesday, and Friday – not I’m going to exercise 3 days every week.
6. Your willpower weakens when you do. If you don’t sleep well at night, you are not going to be able to complete that 5K the next day.
7. One thing has something to do with everything else. If I work late, I will not go home and prepare a healthy dinner. If I don’t eat breakfast, I will not be eating a healthy lunch.
8. Don’t lie to yourself. We all have 24 hours every day. Single parents cringe when the rest of us say we don't have time to do something.
9. If you look at it, it's yours. You know what this means. Don’t have chocolate candy in your pantry because every time you open the door to get your tuna, you see chocolate candy. Go to restaurants that have good choices. It also means, to reach your goals, you should have a picture of them in front of you.
10. Cleanliness really is next to Godliness. If your house, your desk, your car, your closet, and your purse is clean and organized you might actually have more time to accomplish your goals.
11. Write it down. The vision of your life cannot be just in your head. If it isn’t written down, it is a dream, not a promise.
12. Never give up. Every day is a new one. Just like on January 1 of every year, we can have a new beginning every day.

Hope this makes you think about how to get more out of life. My promise for 2012 is not to try to be perfect, but instead try to be a little better each day. And, it wouldn’t be a bad idea if we all promised to not be so tough on ourselves and just tried to enjoy life. Never forget to be thankful for what you have and who you have become.

Happy New Year!

From Good to Great

First of all, I would like to apologize to my followers. I took a new job as Managing Broker of the Franklin/Cool Springs Crye-Leike office right after my last post and haven't taken the time to write since. My attempt at practicing my writing skills has taken a backseat to my attempt to help a wonderful group of agents become more productive and more appreciated. Although sometimes I feel like I'm failing in both areas, I'll never give up. So please don't give up on me

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Without an MBA from Harvard (or any other school), my basic strength as a manager is my deeply held belief that my purpose on the planet is to teach and motivate others to do their best. However, one thing I know for sure -- successful organizations are successful because of the "people on the bus" and all the manager has to do is get the right people on that bus. If you have read Jim Collins book Good to Great, you know exactly what I mean. Jim found that the good-to-great leaders he studied did not first set a new direction and strategy. They instead, first got the right people on the bus (and the wrong people off the bus) and then figured out where to drive it. The leaders said, "I don't really know where we should take this bus. But I know this much: If we get the right people on the bus, the right people in the right seats, and the wrong people off the bus, then we'll figure out together how to take it someplace great."

I completely agree with Jim Collins leaders. However, it isn't that easy to make sure you have the right people "on the bus." Finding myself lucky enough to follow a great leader into this job, I just had to make sure that in the future everyone who is allowed to join our journey on this bus is a good fit for the organization. And there were some who didn't fit on the bus and had to leave. The toughest job of a manager is making sure that those who want to hop on that bus will be a good fit. And, when you make a mistake and let someone on that bus, you stop and let them exit. Tough choices to make, and it's always difficult to tell someone they aren't a good fit.

Following is a description of the people who are on my bus, and are very successful. In interviewing and in making sure I retain the successful members of the team and only select the best to join the team in the future, I look for these characteristics.

1) Enthusiasm and energy

2) Desire to make a positive difference in every situation

3) Love of the job and the people they work with

4) Discipline and focus

5) A desire to prove their worth to the team

6) Ability to confront brutal facts (like a tough market or client) and never give up

7) Survival instincts

8) Competitive spirit combined with a desire to improve and help others improve

9) Gratitude to those in their life who help them along the way

10)Ability and desire to accept change, use the latest technology and ideas

Not all of our team is in the picture above, but you can see most of them. Look at their faces and you can see how well they fit on our bus. I'm so proud to have an opportunity to work with such professionals. And, I hope I can help them find what they need to be successful on our journey together. I know we're having a great time trying to help each other reach our goals.

My Love/Hate Relationship with Hershey

Dolly Parton just smiled that knowing smile of hers when David Letterman suggested she write a diet book. Sitting there in her size 2 dress with her 42 bra she said, "David, if I did that I would gain back my weight before the ink was dry!" I remember how I felt when she said that. At the time I was in my mid 40s and had just begun the battle of the bulge and I had gained and lost hundreds of pounds in just a few years. Having been a thin and physically fit person for the first 40 years, I was frozen with fear as the scale began to rise week by week. So no, I'm not going to write a diet book, but think many of my readers can relate to my struggles and perhaps, gain a few helpful tips.

You are probably thinking about now that my downfall was Hershey candy bars -- and they are delightful. But no, I'm in another kind of relationship. It was January 1st every year that I made a resolution to lose the weight, but it wasn't until I had to push myself out of the chair with my arms that I knew I was in serious trouble. My doctor had diagnosed Osteoarthritis and being the kind decent guy he is, didn't even mention that I weighed in at 199.5 lbs that day.

The journey to Franklin Athletic Center was yet another failed attempt. My knees and back hurt so bad that I couldn't spend 20 minutes on those cardio machines after finally figuring out how they work. I must have walked past that kiosk with the personal trainers a hundred times before I stopped and asked a question. "Do you have anyone who could help me? I have bulging discs, bad knees, a repaired rotator cuff and I'm old and depressed." As he waved over Erich Hershey I thought, "oh no -- not that one, he looks way too young and good looking." Erich, I learned, had been a physical therapist in the Navy and worked very well with people with injuries.

How is it possible to love and hate someone equally? The hate comes early in the morning when I drag myself out of the warmth of my cozy bed and head out to meet him three days a week. The love is much harder to explain. It's the sweet, encouraging smiles when I accomplish something that took so very long. It's the feeling that comes over me when I'm climbing stairs and get to the top and realize that the heavy breathing isn't coming from me but my clients who are 20 years younger.

Don't think this 50 lb journey has been easy or short. It has taken this amazing young man years to instill in me the belief that I can be better, stronger and younger. You might want to read Younger Next Year, a book written by Chris Crowley and Dr. Harry Lodge to convince seniors that our bodies don't have to age. The wrinkles and sagging skin are impossible to avoid because of sun damage, but your body can become more physically fit. You can still enjoy activities that most people your age cannot. And, you can get your blood pressure and cholesterol down to levels you obtained when much younger.

Top 10 Things I Have Learned from Erich Hershey:

1. Eat every 3 to 4 hours

2. Eat more protein and fewer carbs (especially avoid flour and sugar)

3. Weight training can help your body retain muscle normally lost from aging

4. Cardio is good for the heart and soul

5. It's about consistency

6. Stay away from enablers

7. Positive attitude and prayer can get you back on track

8. Fitness is a lifelong journey

9. I can do more than I think

10. Never give up

Some of you know that I have had some medical problems and two surgeries within 10 days of each other. These health issues have required me to be away from my beloved Erich for two months now. Monday will be my first day back and I'm very excited but a little scared about all the work that it will take to rebuild the muscle and strength that I have lost. But because of Erich I will always have this little voice inside my head saying, "you can do this" and I can!

Those of you in the Nashville area can find Erich at Franklin Athletic Center or just give him a call at 615-426-3742 or contact him by email at erich@bodybyhershey.com. Check out his website http://www.bodybyhershey.com/.

Never forget -- you can be younger next year!!

The 80/20 Rule ... Pareto's Principle

Vilfredo Pareto was a sociologist, economist, and philosopher. He didn't really name the 80/20 rule, he just used it to describe the unequal distribution of wealth in his country. His mathematical formula had a huge influence in the development of fascism in Italy. His theory was that only 20% of the population owned 80% of the wealth.

In later years, this 80/20 rule has been applied in business management, and in particular, time management. Examples include the following:

1) 20% of your employees are responsible for 80% of your output

2) 20% of your customers are responsible for 80% of your revenue

3) 20% of your activities create 80% of your success

4) 20% percent of your employees will cause 80% of your problems

5) 20% of a trainer's time in the classroom is responsible for 80% of the learning


The 80/20 rule has been referred to as the "vital few" and "trivial many". In other words, whatever you are doing, only a few are important and most are unimportant. I find it very interesting that this rule applies to so very many things in our life. So, why is this? And, can we change it? Can we overcome this rule by focusing on activities that will produce the best that we can have in this life? Or maybe it is inevitable and we just need to pay attention to that very important 20% because it is so vital. Here are some of my thoughts on how to improve the "vital few" instead of focusing on the "trivial many" in our personal lives.

1) When you are with your loved ones focus on making the time special. Only a small portion of your time together will be memorable, so think about making memories every time you are together.

2) Let your loved ones know that the time you spend together is very important to you and talk to them about things that matter, and always let them know how much you love them.

3) Don't spend so much time with people you don't care that much about just because you feel obligated to do so.

4) Avoid spending your time watching television and instead do something that encourages conversation and allows time for sharing meaningful feelings with those you care about.

5) Spend more of your time doing something you enjoy instead of working. Or if you are working at a job you hate, try to find something you enjoy more that provides you with enough money to get by. And, if you can't do either of those, really appreciate every single minute that you can spend doing more enjoyable activities.

6) If you are a reader, don't waste your time on reading books or magazines that are trivial, and instead read something that either teaches you something or has a special meaning to you.

7) Start everyday thinking about how you are going to spend your day. What if it were your last day on earth -- would you really spend it wandering around the mall mindlessly?

8) If you have thoughts that you feel are important to you or perhaps to your family in the future, write them down.

9) Spend a small part of every day exercising your body and your mind. Only 30 min. to an hour of exercise can make a huge difference in how long your live and the quality of your life.

10) Be grateful for the beautiful things in your life and the beautiful people in your life.

I guess what I want to do, and hope that you will do, is not waste those "vital few" minutes in our life that are the most meaningful. And, become committed to not only having a better life, but appreciating the things we do have.

Learned Optimism

Recently a group of agents in my office all raised our hands and took a pledge to be optimistic for one week. Every pessimistic comment required the offender to donate one dollar to our flower fund. One of my friends walked right in and put $5 in the fund because she knew she just couldn't do it. It made me remember a book that was on the best sellers list for quite a long time several years ago. The title of the book is Learned Optimism and the author is Martin E.P. Seligman, and first published in 1990. I included his photo because I love his genuine smile. I never read the book, but the title has stuck with me all these years because I find it very interesting to think that we actually could learn to be optimistic.

Recently stopping at the Barnes and Noble Bookstore in Cool Springs, I discovered his collection of work, but no Learned Optimism. I purchased another of his books, Authentic Happiness. I am very impressed with Dr. Seligman's work. In my determination to find his 1990 Learned Optimism, I discovered a wealth of information on line. First, you need to know that Dr. Seligman not only copyrighted but developed the concept of "learned optimism". This isn't about the "self esteem" movement, and, in fact, he feels the "self esteem" movement is highly responsible for our nation's epidemic levels of depression and hopelessnes. Do you remember the book "The Little Engine That Could" that taught us to never give up and keep trying to succeed. Well, that's not what children's books are about anymore. He believes that parents still need to be teaching children to set goals, work hard, and feel good about yourself for accomplishing those goals.

Here is Dr. Seligman's formula for overcoming pessimism.

A = Adverse Event or situation

B = Beliefs about the event

C = Consequences of those beliefs

D = Disputation and distraction

E = Energizing

In layman's terms:

A = The thing that is making you so negative (example, "the recession")

B = The recordings that are constantly playing in your head ("I'll never make any money")

C = What will happen to you if you continue to believe this crazy thought (you may actually cause the problem to be worse)

D = Change the recordings in your head and say to yourself "the economy will have to come back someday and when it does, I'll be ready with all these great homes I have listed that are beautiful and priced great," or "I'll update my resume and get a great job".

E = Doing the above will help you break loose from the frozen state you are presently in and cause you to get busy and try to make a living no matter what others are doing or not doing.

By the way, you should really go on line and take some of Dr. Seligman's tests. He has one for determining just how optimistic you are. I discovered that I'm just average. So to improve I took his test called "VIA Survey of Character Strengths." I had no idea there were 24 "character strengths". Check it out because if you know your strengths, you are more likely to be like "The Little Engine That Could"

1. Curiosity/Interest in the World

2. Love of Learning

3. Judgment/Critical Thinking/Open-Mindedness

4. Ingenuity/Originality/Practical Intelligence/Street Smarts

5. Social Intelligence/Personal Intelligence/Emotional Intelligence

6. Perspective

7. Valor and Bravery

8. Perseverance/Industry/Diligence

9. Integrity/Genuineness/Honesty

10.Kindness and Gratitude

11.Loving and Allowing Oneself to be Loved

12.Citizenship/Duty/Teamwork/Loyalty

13.Fairness and Equity

14.Leadership

15.Self-Control

16.Prudence/Discretion/Caution

17.Humility and Modesty

18.Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence

19.Gratitude

20.Hope/Optimism/Future-Mindedness

21.Spirituality/Sense of Purpose/Faith/Religiousness

22.Forgiveness and Mercy

23.Playfulness and Humor

24.Zest/Passion/Enthusiasm

The survey isn't to boost your self-esteem. It is designed to help you learn to be better. It ranks you according to your strengths and tells you how to improve your character strengths one by one.

Look at this guy's face. I'm just glad to know that Dr. Seligman and others like him are out there trying to help young people with their problems and depression. People like him give me hope!

Loving Your Home

This is a stressful time for most people. We are three years into a serious recession and I have never seen so much worry, sadness and depression. Maybe it's because I'm having trouble selling homes in this market that I have become more aware that a lot of people aren't happy in their homes.

However, the one place I can find peace and happiness is in my home. Gary and I have gone through the occasional desire to have something grander or newer, but somehow always manage to get by without having to move. We don't have a "McMansion" and, in fact, our home is very modest by Williamson County standards. What we do have is a space we have created to reflect who we are and our happiness together. On every wall hangs a painting that reminds me of my mother-in-law, Fern, who treated me like a daughter, or my very talented daughters, Sarah and Liz. Everywhere I look, someone I love has added something I love to my home--like Gary's wainscoting, hardwood flooring, decking, crown molding and beautiful drapery rods for my homemade drapes.

Years ago we made the decision to be very selective in choosing items for our home. If it isn't useful or beautiful, it isn't coming through the door. Over the years, we have discovered some secrets that I thought I might share with my readers. These are the things that make me crave coming home:

1. Soft, muted colors make my life less chaotic and more romantic.
   
2. A quiet space to curl up with a good book (or Nook or Kindle) is a necessity.
   
3. Music and art make me appreciate life and gives me hope for humanity-TV does the opposite.
   
4. Lighting can change everything and lamps give a room personality.
   
5. A clean, orderly kitchen is a joy especially at family gatherings.
   
6. Adirondack chairs placed underneath a tree in the Springtime and Fall make for great conversations.
   
7. Candlelight makes everything and everyone prettier, and Trapp's vanilla orange fragrance makes my friends say "what is that yummy smell?".
   
8. If windows can be opened, they should be--even with my allergies, fresh air is life giving.
   
9. Petting a dog or cat gets rid of stress better than Zanax and makes it worth the mess they make.
   
10. A large narrow dining room table is best for enjoying good wine, pasta, French bread and conversation with your friends and loved ones.
    

There are a couple of things I don't have that I would love--mountain views that my friend Linda Stocker wakes up to every morning, the lake that my friend Judy Griess gets to enjoy daily, and of course, my friend Gail Johnson's joyous escapes to her beach house. But since I can't have those, I'll just keep my candles burning and pasta machine rolling.

You Can Do Anything...as long as you know what you want to do

Our ninth grade English teacher gave the assignment that really made me first think about a career. Yes, I know there are people who start thinking about who they want to be when they are 4 or 5 but that wasn’t me. Leonard, a boy I grew up with knew he wanted to be a doctor when we were in the first grade, and I have heard he is a very well thought of gynecologist. In the 1950's little girls were not encouraged to think about those things. My father didn’t want my mother to work even though she was the one who had an education, and I suppose she was too disappointed about her lack of an “outside of the home” life to encourage me to think about it. So, in the ninth grade we were given the assignment to write a paper about our chosen career. I could not think of anything except what every girl wrote about-- teacher, nurse, or secretary. Many have forgotten the word secretary which means “keeper of secrets” because they are now called administrative assistants or executive assistants.

Because of my choice for that one paper my high school path was chosen. My high school had an excellent vocational program and I really excelled. I could type over 100 words per minute and take shorthand notes even faster. Many of my friends thought I had it made because I wasn’t forced to take chemistry, physics, advanced math, calculus or even honors English. They took those classes because they planned on going to college to be a teacher or a nurse for the most part.

Why did it never occur to me that I could do something else, something more, something I might be better at, and just something I would enjoy. I was lucky enough to have an aunt, Zona, who was one of the first women to become an executive of a major corporation. And, believe me, she really tried to give me the courage and self esteem to do better. But I just couldn’t believe I was capable of anything that would require a college degree. I did apply to take the college entrance exams in the eleventh grade just because all my friends were and I was a little embarrassed not to apply. Even though I had no plans to go to college, I didn’t want them to know. When they got their postcards in the mail to let them know the location and time of the entrance exams, I didn’t receive one. Our guidance counselor called me into her office to explain why she had not sent my request in. It seemed very difficult for her to say the words but she did – “Marty, you just aren’t college material and your family cannot afford it. You have wonderful secretarial skills and I’m sure you can get a really good job with the training we have provided you.”

I wasn’t at all devastated if that’s what you are thinking because I knew she was right. However, my mother didn’t have the same attitude. I saw an anger and determination in her that I never knew. She was a tiger determined to make me see that I could go to college if I really wanted to. She didn’t understand why I didn’t want more for myself. Looking back on that time, I imagine she was feeling like many women in the 60's about their inability to control their own destiny. She finally had had enough and was determined that I would go to college if I wanted to. So, I went for her. And it wasn’t easy because I had to work to pay my tuition and had to live at home. My dad dropped me off at work or school on his way to work and picked me up in the afternoon. I married before I finished and we lived in student housing so that made everything much easier – not financially, but I could work longer hours and take classes in the evening if I needed to.

I’m writing this to remind mothers (and those of you who will become mothers) that one of our most important roles is to make sure our children believe in themselves. They have to be told that they can do anything. Don’t just assume that they know that. I’ve actually heard talk from some narrow minded people that our teachers spend too much time on developing self esteem. They are so wrong. Without healthy self esteem you can’t accomplish anything. Just think what our children could accomplish in life if we just let them know how smart and wonderful they really are.

And, this is a reminder for me as a mother. Liz and Sarah, don’t ever forget that you are wonderful human beings who can accomplish beyond your wildest dreams. Just in case I didn’t tell you enough as you were growing up, please know now that YOU choose what you want in life, you work hard, remind yourself you can do it and deserve it, and you WILL have it.

Since my daughters are so very artistic I thought this quote by Vincent Van Gogh appropriate. “If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint,' then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced”.